lady_selina

02:39 pm: People sometimes ask - what's your greatest fear? - it's just a gereral pondering.

Two big ones for me are 1) feeling anxious because I've angered/hurt someone and/or I've done something wrong, or (even) I haven't done anything wrong, but it's percieved as being My Fault anyway.

2) Being cut off from God. Which is no 2 and not no 1 because I cannot imagine it, the sense of loss, and the sense of being utterly lost and alone.
 
.......but here's another one. I am fearful of being tired. Crazy maybe, as we all get tired. I think it's the overwhelming sense though that I'm not in control of Anything; I can hardly move, can barely string a sentence together, and, at it's worst, just want to lie down and die.

Oswald Chambers once pointed out that although we experience loss, Paul suffered the loss of all things. And this is perhaps the best analogy I can make for us folk with M.E.: we suffer tiredness, and exaggerated as it sounds - it's the truth.

02:48 pm: solicitors
Cycled to the solicitors on monday to fill in the affidavit form and drop it off at the magistrates court in Sale. All was well, until I turned off the main road too early on my return journey, taking me a really, really long way round. Was tired and hungry, and my legs were starting to hurt. Said to myuself that when I finally get the piece of paper that tells me I'm divorced ('free' is what I meant I supppose) I'll know it will have cost me so much. Felt a very gentle nudge from God, and knew straight away what it meant; that it had cost him everything for me to be able to walk away from this sorry mess (and every sorry mess) completly free, without blame and without reproach. Just nodded and listened to Stuart Townsend singing 'How great the Father's love for us', one line of which goes
'Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer, but this I know with all my heat; His wounds have paid my ransom'. 

Mike came round Mon pm and we sat massaging each others feet, chatting. So much joy and wonder in the simple things.

06:26 pm: Just sat at the table, remnants of tea time all over it; kids watching Paddington.

So happy; fantastic w/end with family, old and new.

Went to church with the kids (missed chatting to M,as was so busy with the kids), then John & Hols came and we walked into Sale to our usual haunt. Tony met up with us too, which was lovely. It's been weeks this time since seeing him, what with his new job and business.
Flicked through holiday brochures with next summer in mind - think it'll be a good one.

Heard from T; think all's well.

Was sooo tired, and am so glad we're now so close to bedtime. Let's hope I can keep calm with the kids until they're down before crashing myself. 
 

08:55 pm: Family
I love my family. Have spent time with them today, and all is well.

Once a wonderful friend of mine was going through a difficult time with a mutual friend of ours. Let's call the mutual friend 'M'. The wonderful friend said 'M and I will always be good'.
That's what I depend on from my family (which includes both the above folk). Good or bad; we're always good.

Brings another phrase to mind; 'Underneath are the everlasting arms'.

God's in it for always too - and the gospel means there's a happy-ever-after ending we all so desparately need...

03:44 am: Just had a really bad dream about my parents, both of whom, in the dream, had cancer and were dying. The dream was about how this situation felt, the troubled relationship that I did have with my dad until he died (back in 1993) and the continuing difficult time I encounter with my mum pretty much whenever we're together. When I woke though, I did realise that whatever those relationships were like, they were shot through with love. I can recall countless times when my Mum absolutely laid down her life for us - they both did, in their own very different ways - putting herself last so that we could be first.
All the stuff I thought 'we did' (like bonfire night for example) but now appreciate they simply did so we could enjoy it.

...and Jesus on the cross, and how he suffered - not just physically, but suffering (temporary) separation from the Father - to save us from a cosmic tragedy we can't even begin to understand.
It made me think how paltry my 'wholehearted' response really is;
 
Thank goodness that because he has taken my weakness and selfishness and pain and grief on his shoulders, all I shall have to do when I arrive at the proverbial pearly gates is exactly what my very imperfect earthly father did; swop report cards and get one of the best seats in the house.

We could all do with a bit of undeserved favour.

07:56 pm: Explained to Joseph that D&T were from near Birmingham. Walked past a fast food outlet whilst at Piccadilly and felt a tug on my arm,
'Mum - is that Birmingham?'
'Aw, no love; nearly though. It says 'Burger King' '.

08:54 pm:

                Actions speak louder than words. 

                              (and images).

10:49 pm: Much easier, more joyful day today. I am thankful for it.

05:53 pm: flat
Really flat today, as I have been for weeks (kind of). It lies dormant a lot of the time, just underneath the surface - but today...

Saw the nurse and had my dressings changed. Nice to have the tape removed, and something smaller and softer put in its place.

 

05:13 pm: Gave Joseph a new hat n scarf today. He liked them and asked
'can we go to the North Pole one day to see the Penguins with my hat and scarf?'
'Yes love, course we can.'

08:28 pm: John, Hols, Kids n Blackpool. Destiny Africa. Mike.
Had the Best time with John & Hols. They're wonderful, and I feel so lucky to have them in our lives.
Where would me and the kids be without our close family around us?

We are so blessed it takes my breath away sometimes.

Had the kids from Kampala orphanage over at church today, performing songs, dancing; 5 boys doing the most rhymically engaging 'bit' on the drums I've ever heard. They're doing a concert a week Tues, so went home, got money and bought tickets. Can't wait.

Met Mike today. Have seen him nursing someone else's grizzly baby before; he's one of those sweethearts you can't help but notice. He's lovely (and I have a crush on him, but don't tell anyone).

Also met Linda. Hoping to do some city centre work with her, providing a meal for folk on the streets. It's like massage; all to do with touch, healing and loving. Life is changing so gently but so dramatically. Like when a tectonic plate moves slightly and causes an earthquake. I feel it in my bones. Speaking of which; homework is now done - bar 1 question - and my skeletal diagram is labelled. Great to cross stuff off the list. 

Have got a few admin type things to do which I feel too flat to think about - I'll brace myself at the 11th hour no doubt. 

 Bit worried about money, but nothing major.


J&H, in case you're reading - I love you both so very much.
Always be with me. xx

06:03 am:  Dear Puddlescript,


Happy Birthday. Hope you have a lovely day. 


I remember reading an entry you did this time last year after your birthday... and I really hope you feel special and treated this year.

xxx

03:37 pm: kids home...
 Kids'll be home in 10 minutes. Absolutely can't wait to see them. Not even feeling nervous this time, as I sometimes do. 

05:21 pm:  Matt's just taken the Old Lady home. Will miss her.



...nearly as much as we miss him. 

01:34 pm:

Today has seen the departure of Hols who's been with us for a week or so - a very brief week it seems. Sad to see her go and hear her voice phoning from the train sounding so sweet, sad and teary. Miss her.

Joseph's b'day party went very well yesterday; many shiny happy children all around! Asked Jose which the favourite bit of his party was; "the bit where they sang Happy Birthday and brought out the cake". He must have felt so special.  
Had a gentle walk to cafe nero afterwards to cool and calm down a bit. Dropped them off a Trevors and had a quiet evening relaxing with John and Hols. Nice.

05:22 pm:

Very sad day today. Very tired.
John and Holly busy in the kitchen preparing food for tonight. (Tony, Barbara & Alex coming). Joseph's 5th birthday party tomorrow. 

Argued with J, then went out to get Sarah a few things for her to open too. Streamers for her bike, a red gipsy skirt with tiny white flowers, some lip balm... Put sunglasses on - cried all the way to the shop.





 

08:15 pm: ...especially for nonamoose, xxx

08:41 pm: Knowsley II
 Went for a swim this morning, the kids, Hols and I; much more fun with Holly there, playing beach ball with our (and other people's) kids. Sarah had a strop (afterwards she said she got a bit grumpy) which Hols sorted out for her beautifully, and we met up with John at cafe nero, who had been sorting out house insurance.
 
Some panini's later, we came home, and drove to Knowsley safari park and Hols had her first taste of driving. She became more relaxed as she drove around, and was driving easily towards the end. S&J also had turns at sitting on John's knee, doing the steering. Imagine how we must've all looked as Holly and John swapped places in the front (involving use of the back seats where the kids and I were) without anyone getting out of the car...
 
We're just in, all of us weary, but glad to have had the outing. Sainsbury's curry in the microwave... NYPD blue lined up... fab 

01:05 pm: Friends
 Just been to visit Central Manchester College, where I'm going to be doing a course in Holistic Massage - including level 3 shiatsu massage, anatomy and physiology, and advanced massage. N.L. showed us around, and answered most of our questions as she explained the course content, qualofications and costs. Very excited!

Green car passed MOT, as expected/hoped.

Sarah's costume for tomorrow's production has been bought (red shorts £3), John's ebay selling is going smoothly, and he has some good ideas about building up some accompanying work for next year. He dealt with Sarah's awkwardness beautifully this morning, and after a very brief and clear explanation on the way to school this morning (over what happened at breakfast time), they were holding hands again as though nothing had happened. 

01:00 pm: I miss stella_megan and nonamoose. 
Love to both, xx