lady_selina

 Another week has sped by and I've hardly written a word.

Lots of teaching etc... John's up in Edinburgh til late tonight doing a concert, so had the kids to myself. Sarah reminded me it was park day (ie Saturday).. like I needed reminding, but I told her it would have to be like in-door playtime, as it's rained steadily all day. 

There was a craft fair at church this morning. We braved the rain and walked as Joseph scooted. Arrived soaked but feeling invigorated. Did the round of stalls with edible stuff. There was a fair trade stall where I bought a blue felt handbag, with felt flowers sewed down one side. Really pretty. Bought Sarah something similar, but smaller. Told her my bag really was My bag this time. Am determined to stick to this, and won't allow it to be played with.

Joseph was shy - pretty much 'til it was time to leave - but had a go on the 'throw the beans bags at some tins and get all lolli-pop whether you knock anything off or not' stall. When he realised it was something he could do, he had that secret smile on his face (which I love, because it seems to mean he's quietly pleased with himself), and enjoyed choosing his lolli. Sarah teemed up with her friend Daisy, asked me for money, then ran off. Have to admit that it made my time there much quieter, and more relaxed. Next time I saw her she'd had her face painted (white, blue & with glitter) and told me she was a snow fairy. Course she was. 

Had a go at the play station. Wouldn't have bothered, only, the kids were interested in it, but cautious, and I wanted them to see me try it. The guy playing it with me was definitely being generous, and had to work that bit harder to ensure I didn't loose by too much.  Thought I did okay really - just kept forgetting which colour I was. Turns out it matters, quite a lot.

When it's been a while since I've done a LJ, I never quite know what to say, or what kind of balance to strike between recording stuff that's happened, or how it's been going through what's happened. For instance, although the craft fair was lovely in lots of ways, I felt my mood drop almost as soon as we went in, just as it often does at these kind of events. I always feel to be on the fringes of lots of activity, and lots of other peoples friendships; as I look round I see individuals and families who seem to be animated, involved in what's going on around them and generally enjoying each others company. I had a rather formal chat with someone who used to be quite a close friend, and just milled around really, blending in, and eventually felt tears getting blocked up in my throat. Was glad Joseph was holding my hand. 
Then Sarah was awkward on the way home which further depressed me. At least Joseph was there to comment that she was being 'silly'.

Came home for sandwiches, and then made soup for John coming home in the middle of the night; butternutsquash, carrot, ginger and nutmeg. The kids played beautifully in the other room - right next to where I was. Kept going in to sort of 'tag along' with their role play, and punctuated the afternoon with things like; if you're good, then at 3pm you can have an ice lolly, etc... but they seemed pretty absorbed in what they were doing anyway. I guess I'm marvelling at this little bit of independence because there's often one thing after another with them, but today they just got on. ... Maybe it was because they could see I was just getting on, and not dilly dallying over them, if you know what I mean. 

Sarah sent me a text from her Dad's house, where I dropped them for tea, saying 'I luv you', and 'thanks for a lovely day'. Was quite suprised, seeing as we'd hardly done anything. 

Incidentally: Joseph said he hated me on Friday, coming home from school. Didn't react. He was angry and disappointed because Sarah was running off going to a friends house, and he couldn't understand why he couldn't go as well. How do you explain it's because he's not invited? Just told him it was Sarah's friend and we couldn't invite ourselves, and we'd have one of his friends over the week after next. He cheered up later, when he got stuck into putting my cheques into the machine in the bank for me, and when he got a muffin at cafe Nero. Asked him whether he remembered saying he hated me. Silence/ little nod? (can't remember). Asked him how he thought I felt when he said that? He said we were friends again now, and I dropped it. Thought enough had been said.